Another day...

It’s not easy to feel like everything was perfectly fine with someone and then realize it isn’t.

To receive a message of unhappiness. That’s what it was to me. I always know when something just isn’t right. When something isn’t flowing the way it should. When attitude changes the whole day.

I’m not saying I’m going to die. I’m not saying it’s the end of my life. And I’ not saying that I don’t love you.

What I’m saying is what I’m going through is hard but I’m happy where I am. I realize I don’t really write about the good stuff. I notice I concentrate on the negative aspects of things and I am sorry. I should probably write how much better you are then her. How I wish she never existed because if that was the case I wouldn’t have to feel so horrible about loving someone who doesn’t deserve it. Someone who I don’t even know anymore. I think it’s just the comfort of knowing. Just “knowing.” But its fading. Memories are becoming a thing of a book I once read and fell in love with. It no longer is connecting with my emotions as much.

I really am happy being with you and I don’t understand how you don’t get that. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t feel this way. I wouldn’t go out of my way to make you happy. And to help me move on.

Everyday more stuff comes up, and I know its not just me but everyone in the world has that happening to them. But I don’t want to hear that everything is perfectly fine and the next minute you are insecure to something that doesn’t even exist. I don’t know if you read this blog or not but most of It is spur of the moment.

Yes it has been hard saying goodbye. It’s a friend, and an ex. Somebody that close who knows so much is bound to be hurtful to say goodbye too. It was a whole lot easier for you to say goodbye to somebody because they were really an asshole and really annoying. This person wasn’t that to me. And stuff does pop into my head sometimes and I want to do things but that’s just because its my thoughts. Not my actions. I think about a lot of things I shouldn’t do. Whether it runs from jumping off a cliff to making out with someone. Whether fun or tragic it happens. But I know better I think a lot of things aren’t worth it because it doesn’t mean forever.

See that’s the difference, to me you are forever. I feel a connection with you I can’t feel with anyone else. That includes you know who. Its all different. Nothing is ever the same. I’m trying to feel comfort and I luckily am. Its not always going to be the same kind of comfort I feel with other ppl, whether it be and ex, my mom, a sister. Or even a Best friend. No one compares to each other.

I just don’t know what to say right now. But I don’t want to hear the BS. I don’t want to listen to the constant annoying statement… I’m insecure. WHY. I have told you many times you are only pushing yourself away from me. you’re doing this to yourself. Everytime I hear that I feel like there isn’t trust. But then when I ask that question there is no doubt in your mind there is 99.99% trust. I thought you were happy. Feeling insecure is not happy, nor is it an excitement that keeps you on your feet. Sure it keeps you on your feet but for pain, which I don’t see happening.

I just can’t believe I thought it was put behind us. I’m not in this for the rollercoaster of emotion. I’m here for Love, Trust, Honesty, and Communication.

I understand you are being honest by communicating to me that you love me but what about the trust. I haven’t done anything in over a year to have you feel in such a way. Maybe it takes longer. But I can’t wait through constant unhappiness. From the sound of every note of “feelings” I receive from you. It sounds to me as if this isn’t what you signed up for and you want out. I don’t, so if that’s what you want let me know. I know you want me in the future but can you handle me Now??

I dunno you tell me!

oops i did it again

I got lost in starring at pictures like a stalker. oh man i'm a low pro stalker!!!!!!

Anywho my love love love is coming. or so she says. well she said she was aobut like 20-30 minutes ago she would eat something and then be on her way. my tvduck didnt let me watch anymore of my dexter and honestly its bumbing me out. i really should be cleaning though. yet i am not. lol what a waste of time. i love typing though. can't blame me.

i dont remember when anything was easy... but i miss the easy times... just 2006. lol

2 decades

I'm telling you this right now. i'm surviving.

its really hard still. to this day

20 days have passed. and it really feels like years. i still pass by m st. and want to stop by and see you. ambush you with hugs and kisses (xoxo)

but i stop myself... i'm happy.
it is getting better. the memory of you slowly fades. very slowly i wish it was gone.

=/ its not and that sucks

I can't stand the thought of you actually, it annoys me. it fills me with hatred. I wish you never existed. I wish i didn't know of that love at all.

Most of what i had is now gone. And i dont feel like there are any empty spaces. except one. i hope to fill it soon.

.....

Well onto current news.

my family is in a deficit of about 1000-2000 dollars. its really frightening to think my parents will lose the house. they said if that happens they will move somewhere, my sister has enough money to get her place which leaves me to be on the street. ha..

i am trying to help out the situation because there has been some shady shit going on. indeed. the person who is in charge of the money is overspending the money and using the savings too. its pretty out of control. i have currently became the house accountant/finance person. its really stressful. i am also my mothers (free) assistant. i do all the bitch work. it's really lame. i can't believe i could be the cause of a divorce too... apparently. and its not to say that i'm making this up because the person stating they might actually get a divorce blames it on me. BITCH. and i'm sorry to be using that word for this person but they deserve it right about now. and if i can't say it in front of anyone else... blogspot you the secret holder. KEEP IT SECRET...

i really hope shit gets better. right now i dont think its going to be okay.
\

DAY ONE

It has been torture.
the temptation of wanting to call you text you email you see you. it grows with every seconds. every time you pop into my thoughts. dreams. hallucinations.

it hurts like the first time all over again.

hickory dickory doo

Its not simple. Nothings ever simple.

One thing is to feel alone in the world… but to feel alone within yourself, geez how do you fix that.

I hate feeling like a lost teenager… freakin cliche. i don’t want to be a cliche. i’m tired of pretending to be happy. FUCK i’m not. i’m not always miss hyper im not always miss crazy out of control.

i’m usually quiet, i like to be alone in the world and roam my world.

and right now.. my world is lost. where the fuck do i go?

usually feeling lost elsewhere would be ok as long as i had me. but now that i’m not here… having the issues in the world are unbearable.

i’m angry… and frustrated…. sad… hurt… confused… unhappy… fucking miserable.

and nothing anyone does seems to make any of it better.

...........

FUCK FUCK FUCK... these emotions all jumbled together suck. they aren't even about one scenario. each one is for a different reason/person/situation. closing my eyes doesn't help any of it. Explaining it to you doesn't make it go away. You seem to only make the situation worse. Only person who can help me.. cannot help me anymore. no longer in my top list i guess. can't trust my family... that will only fuck me over more. telling anyone else will only cause them to judge me. thats the last thing i need. another pair of eyes perceiving me to be someone i'm not. another pair of eyes... looking at me like i'm a fucking child... normal little human child trying to fit into this world. and well life... life isn't fair. its cruel so maybe i should stop complaining.. WELL FUCK YOU. i'm not like everyone else. i know i can help some shit out. but for me to explain to you my life would take an eternity. for me to tell you why i feel the way i do... hah only a true friend could bare. sadly i don't consider anyone that. i did myself. but now that i'm gone... geesh. what a catastrophe i am. a complete mess. a reck.

put a bullet to my head... i still wouldn't be able to help myself.

i need like some counceling or something. oh god scratch that... i'm not that insane yet. lol yet...

sure on my way though.

...

Done.

I've done it.

oh my god i can't even write right now

i'm crying too much.

i did what i had to, to move on. To try and forget. To attempt life.

I cried and you stood there on the phone.... as if nothing was happening. What do i do with your stuff. i don't want to return it but looking at it will just make me remember. And to think you weren't even the current one.

Can't believe that blogspot is my only friend. ITS SAD.
well i actually have a potential one... =) a door has opened. as the one that was left ajar is finally coming to closure. But i can't see myself locking it, less throwing away the key. or making it disappear. but this is the first time i have closed it.

forgive me first love, but i'm tired

EZ-<-- that needs to change as my signature

Dance in the Dark

I definitely believe this is possibly the worst it could be right about now.

I really want to do it but i don't, look at me stalling. Until the next day comes and I regret it all. I look and I don't like what I see. It has it's literal up and downs.

I feel like dancing in the dark both literal and figuratively. A delightful moment for myself. Delicious to every step I take.

But... it just sits there, doing nothing. Just there as if it were to just get on going on its own. I must be a lunatic to even imagine. To even use fantasy to lighten up the moment.

I have so much to say, to do. Time? It's there. Moving, Speeding away. I was stuck at noon. Clock has struck Midnight and on.

I, I, I don't know what to tell you, more than what i've said.

Well lets just go on and blog my vida.
.
.
.
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Tonight, what am i going to do? nada. lol probably just stay home and talk about how much stuff i need to do and not do any of it. ugh i really should get to it. but i'm like stalling till the last minute. i really shouldnt i should get my but up and turn on that tv, pop in insanity and get back to it. i should also get to cleaning my room, setting my schedule, getting my clothes ready, washing some freakin clothes, make my lunch for tomorrow. and then.... actually thats it. THATS IT. well for the most part at least. i have a few more things i would probably need to do, but aren't as urgent as the ones i just listed.
although lets not get ahead of ourselves. i do need to finish blogging here. I missed blogging so much. so so so much. Time to DANCE!!!!!

in the dark

EZ-muzik

THINKING BACK, TO NOW!!

It hasn't been easy to let this go. Actually, it hasn't been easy to let any of it go. I constantly want to end it all. But for some reason i can't tell you those words and mean it. You're not easy to love, no. Why is everything with you so complicated? Why can't it be something so easy and simple. Why can't i just push you away and keep it that way...

Well i believe, there is only this i can do. Say goodbye now, and commit to my decision. Work through everyday as if you never existed. I dont want to stick around any longer.

Lets just say this is the breaking point for me. I can't go back to what we were, and WE will never be. I have to let you go. A single tear could give it all away.

Forgive me first love, but i'm tired. Forgive me first love, but i need to move on. Forgive me first love, but this love has dried out. can't give much more. The train stopped pushing through... excuse me first love but we are through. Forgive me first love, But i'm too tired.

I loved you
I love you
I cared
still caring.
I was happy
...
not anymore

I can't forget, i wont forget. You were special, my gem.

This song note I wear around my neck will always be a reminder to a once upon a time.

it took to long for me to do this... BYE

Brand New

So here we go, talk about a year. Well my lap top wasn't charging and not till yesterday did i decide to take it to the geek squad, yes best buy. It was actually just the cord. oh wow and this whole time i thought it was going to be the computer and i was going to have to fix it. nope, just the cord. yay me.

so i'm still working at IPC. i got moved up to correspondence queues. may i say, they are quite difficult. but i'm getting better. i'm starting to understand a lot more. very happy to say.

i really felt like writing but i just can't right now.

leaving it here..... till later.