ITS OVER...before it even started

I don't really know what to say except i'm hurt and i wish we would have never made the plan to start again. Would have made this much easier. I really gave it something special i had in me. HOPE. REAL LOVE. ALL OF ME.

Nobody deserves my tears.. the only thing that does is physical pain and death... other than that you deserve nothing.

My posts were becoming something i haven't been in a while. happy. what now? You know what they are gonna stay that way. i'm sick of crying for people i'm sick of thinking bout the worst. and i do understand but it still hurts. and i make no sense right now. but to be honest i'm just ranting because i need to. because this will help me avoid the things i don't want to do.

I'll be fine without you... and to be honest i don't WANT to be fine without you... But i will be. it'll all be ok. I can make it great but with alot of effort.

I don't want anymore tears.

EZ-less

Throw your hands up and SHOUT

The one thing i want to do right now is yell and scream and kick and punch and ugh!

I'm itching for an escape. One of those horrible moments, where nothing you do can help you out, but you wanna try it all anyhow. Maybe if i dream for a bit i can forget, but i don't want to forget; I don't ever want to forget. Perhaps that, right there, is my problem... I resist to let go. Stubborn indeed. The insecurity, the obsessive investigations, the interrogations, the.. well everything.

Oh gee what am i talking about now? To be honest i don't really know. I have not the slightest clue, but what i do know is i have rage building up inside of me and i had to write and allow myself to express before i find myself in an inevitable situation. (We must not elaborate)

I shall now digress onto another subject; as always.

Monday, about a day and 5 hours with 30 minutes left until i am admitted into a dentist's office. I am in complete excitement... XD

I'm in a boomerang state... i disappear into happiness for a brief moment but yet again return into rage and anger and all of the madness that erupts.

EZ-rang

Wide open spaces

To frolic or not to frolic.. in the meadow. Peace. Serenity. Laughter.

And lots and lots of singing. Oh tonight should be good.

Well i made an appointment with the doctor to get my wisdom teeth surgically removed This upcoming Monday.. aahhh! For some reason, i'm excited. I don't think i should be cause i'll have pain and i'll have blood and i'll be starving and i'll probably be pms'ing.. oh bare with me world. Starting 2010 i'm going to start being a grown up, with all my bills and such. Horrible. But like i said i'm happy i don't have to ask for money.

On another random note: next year
-San Fransisco (x2)
-Long Beach Pride
-Big Bear?
-Mexico
-Theme Parks (x10)
- Rochester, New York?

Hopefully i have no problems being able to go to any of those. (look at my hair it's all burnt up) XD (giirrl we all pregnant this week)

Turn up the Volume will become Famous--than again it is in my head! <3

EZ-adult

A rush of simple

A digital clock does not tick; but it seems to be doing just that --> to me

My head is racing as a lost individual's would, but i feel happy. My life seems indifferent, but all has changed. My emotions fluctuate, as a decision stays unchanged.

By far i am the most confused; and by far i am the most happy.

Trying to analyze this is only a waste of time because i'm already in a good place.

EZ- ness

Surreal

I just arrived to my house, spent an afternoon visiting Monroe. Which consisted of old friends and the last of them... because they are all now seniors (I feel sort of old). I also spent a few hours with Brett and Laura, what a doozy they are <3. They cooked amazingly, I am quite stuffed and have encountered a headache and a bit of nausea, probably from over eating and the oil ughh.
Well any who i arrive to my house and there is no parental cars. I sure thought i would be coming home to a house containing only a sister, excitement! nope, not as i thought. Dad is drunk; which explains the missing truck. Mom is at her office, and sister is in her room. I think the last time i saw her was like last week- how sad. I don't want to be angry, i don't feel the need to be right about now. I don't want to go out, i don't want to do much but write read and talk. No crazy outings tonight, but tomorrow.. woo i think I'm ready.
What am i ready for? seeing friends i haven't seen since the last time i saw them, duh. and having a heart to heart, with someone i haven't been so nice to, but didn't think they deserved it. I have so much to say so much to fix so much to lay out on the table and pick and choose at. I don't want to use fancy words as i speak, I don't want to be corrected or interrupted, and I'm not looking for friendship, but for peace. Perhaps once again an acquaintance. Not for her, not for me, but for the third person involved without wanting to be, the person who is stuck in the middle, the person who understands and is tired of being little miss messenger. which i totally understand. I'm ready.

I'm happy
I'm chill
I'm excited
I'm satisfied
I'm ignoring the worst that's happening and taking in all the good
...and far beyond me is where i am
it is surreal

EZ-mystical

Color me Amber

Made a Tumblr- i like

Started reading Eclipse- in love, although everyone killed the Saga for me already

Received my first 2 paychecks- i should start saving i make about 800 a month lame

Cleaned my room- looks so dandy

Learned Speechless on piano- well partially, oh gosh i'm obsessed with Lady Gaga

6 Monthaversary- was chill

Well i've probably done a million zillion more things but i don't think i find them quite as dire as these. I find myself writing a blog since i haven't in a while and i feel the need to express a few things. Once again i must say i miss my sister so much, especially during the holiday seasons. I never really enjoyed them much, but now that i think back it isn't anything without my sister here. As i mentioned above i have learned Speechless by lady gaga on the piano, Gosh i do admire that love of mine. papa papa razzi lol..

One more thing, i can't seem to find the 100% trust i once had upon that one person, seems i'll always find a lie i can fish out. I haven't yet but yet i still feel entitled to continue to search for the flaw that is there NO longer. Stubborn, Hard headed, Hurt and traumatized i could say. Perhaps those are words more suitable to what i feel.

Well i no longer feel a burden over me from the incident that friday the 13th, i feel good.

till the clock turns me once again

EZ- bunny

Defenseless

I feel scared, weak, angry and just plain defenseless.
Ever since the incident i feel like i can't do anything to help myself. Like as if the situation would happen again and i wouldn't know what to do yet again, and then have it play back in my head in different scenarios. i could have done this, i could have done that. but you know what i did? nothing. ABSURD

I had a meltdown today... because i am now scared.. because i no longer feel tough... because everything I thought i could do before is all shot to hell now. I'm glad it happened and i'm Very glad i got out alive and well and untouched and all, but i lost my power, i lost my strength, i lost my ability to live without fear. i cannot go walk anywhere and feel safe. Especially in this recession, and knowing not only was i the only one attacked in L.A., but somebody else right here a block away, and at gunpoint. way worse than almost getting shanked with an extend-able box cutter.

I'm angry at him.. I'm so mad that i can't be me. Because of one day i now live in fear. just the other day i stopped by a weapon store to learn more about things and apparently i'm now going to get pepper spray, and not just any pepper spray but the best kind. along with a pocket knife. i used to carry one with me all the time until "somebody" broke it and i was unable to use it. but yea i'm gonna get everything to protect myself. i hope to feel better. i think i'm gonna work out too to gain my old strength back.. we'll see how i feel. but for now know i'm traumatized MAJORLY

ugh i hate him...


EZ- fear

Too Much for Me

<3 first of all i'd like to start off by saying i miss my sister sandra immensely

mmk so...
I went through a lot this weekend.
-adventure
-arguments
-makeups
-drama
- "t" parties
-liquor stores
-near death experience
-west east west REMEMBER IT

I have been so thankful to be alive this week, it's incredible.
i think i really needed to go through something that intense for me to realize many things. And in a way i'm happy it happened to me. and i'm Extremely happy to have gotten out alive and well and untouched!

well as we all know i've been trying to lose weight, and i'll let you know i lost 3 more pounds last week. i'm hoping for another few pounds this weekend. oh and if you have any pictures of me when i was fat.. please don't hesitate to send them over via email text whatever. mail! i don't care i need some! because i can't seem to find any. hmm...

meltdowns and inspirational talks... i just started workin real hard as of yesterday and i am not going to stop. OH NO i've become my mother. herbalife herbalife herbalife lol


EZ- be goin crazy

An X-ray Film

I've seen the truth in people before and haven't been this amazed.
What she did cannot be explained lightly.
What she chose was a road down the wrong path.
Two lovers tangled in their own webs, webs made vibrant by the help of others.
She chose to abandon the ship, of level headed personnel, and completely took advantage of a very polite and understanding person.
A choice no other would have done in a position of that kind.

I am still.. in amazement.

She disgusts me and i want nothing to do with her at this point.


EZ- anger

Do you have an appointment?

I've been working here for about 2 weeks now.. nice. i cannot wait untill payday and the ability to pay off my debts, AMAZING! lol i miss being able to be in control of my own financial status. i hate the asking i hate the begging. It'll all soon be over.

Just realized this is the worst time to be getting paid though. debts/thanksgiving/birthdays/anniversaries/ christmas... oh HELL no no no no.. no! lol i'll make it work somehow.

so this week has been filled with facebook, booking appointments, cancelling appointments, movies, food, boredom, projects and hot cheetoh fart smell! yes i'm talking about my job. Apparently the doctor took some days off from work and is not in the office, yet we receptionists and nurses are. So much fun and so many laughs. But we are still getting much done.. goodness gracious! i think my desk is about to break by the way haha..but yea just to let you kno:

i'm gonna be quite busy for the end of this year.. if u have any ideas of hanging out with me let me know ahead of time... i need to literally check my planner. busy busy busy


EZ-living

Tiresome

Just got back from my cousin Karina's house! interesting.

well the convo we had was amazing, i understand where i stand now, and all she said was "mmhmm, oh ok, ya, i understand, makes sense, lol, well duh" and i was in complete bliss knowing that i knew exactly what I FELT.. well i know i'm suppose to know but wow! she just let me ramble.. and i think it worked! thats all i needed someone to understand and let me finish to get the full picture. COOKIE we needs to talk asap...

The kickback yesterday.. chill!
today's party still a big mystery!

Dentist? ok the dentist was some intense stuff! apparently i need $4,000.00 worth of work! i had 5 people look at my teeth. GREAT. lol
well:
i have cavities on almost all my teeth
i have an extra tooth somewhere in my mouth (not out yet)
they need to remove my wisdom teeth
i need braces, top and bottom
the bottom for crooked teeth
the top for narrow alignment.. reason why i get allergies, have trouble
breathing,have a lisp, and snore!
didn't know the shape of my teeth caused that.. wow!
and apparently i'm running out of space for teeth in my mouth. lol
i'm still shocked with the cavities! she said they are fairly new but developing quick and only visible in the x-rays because from the outside she said they look fine except for one!
kill me

debts:
car-14,000+interest
phone-400 past due + 70 monthly
gas-50 monthly
school-14,000
dentist- 4000 w/insurance coverage
work- 1000+... monthly

wow at $9hr HELL NO, nvr gonna go down!

now accepting donations =) lol

well as you probably guessed i am now working for my externship site! just started monday... but payday ain't for 3 weeks. just cuz i started on a bad date grrr.. .>=/ lol
it's pretty chill working there although i need alot more money and many many more hours.. i need to learn much more to be considered good enough to switch off some days with co-workers! i'm on a mission.. ='~'=

in two weeks i plan to be weighing 10 pounds lighter and in 1 month 25-30 pounds lighter! my goal! my job.. =) and to get on stage and give my testimony... so down

i think thats it for right now... i need theater time
oh oh which reminds me

NOVEMBER 20TH... NEW MOON! excitement!
too bad saw was a ruined deal.. nvr gonna watch that in the movie theaters, doesn't that suck? well maybe i won't watch the dvd either! we shall see.

College graduation in january, not sure of the date quite yet but i'll let you know


EZ (cpr certified)

Oh, is that true?

It's been a while since i've felt completely comfortable in my own skin. It's taken me a while to realize it is all good in the hood! lol

I have been fighting all this year with myself (and along with others), just to "find" myself. to know where i belong, to know who i am, to figure out what i need to do, what i want! well i'm satisfied now... although i might not know 100% of everything just yet! but it sure is a pleasure to say i'm freakin happy where i'm at! =)

there are many people i can say thank you for, because they have honestly helped me through this year, whether it was the nice way the evil way or the down right blunt way. but i mean if i hadn't made the decision to change or to be strong... i wouldn't have gotten to where i am now.

but.. i'll say thank you anyway
-cookie
-crystal
-jessica
-patty
-mom

we've fought hard for this day to come!
we have seen the worst
tears
cuts
turmoil
utmost pain!
all is but an old nightmare of a battle we have overcome

EZ

Content

ok, so friday was a reunion of all reunions! i saw people from elementary, middle school, and high school. some even knew eachother. crazy! props to danny, didn't know she threw such good parties! well yesterdays shabam, wasn't bad at all. it was nice to see people (yet again) that i hadn't seen in a while! fun to dance with those that i had never seen dance before! oh and jennifers wedding! wow she looked wonderful and quite nervous and so OMG! lmao! Nelson, man did he look happy. it's true always look at the groom as the bride comes up the aisle! hehe

yea well today is sunday and i saw chavita (my nephew) sing at church! well technically i only saw his eyes since the whole crowd of kids were covering him, what a shame! but it was very adorable... i don't exactly know what i'll be doing today, or who'll i'll hang out with. i thought i should clean, but my parents are on like spring cleaning ( in winter). it is not an appealing time to go and clean my room, i'll just be annoyed by them! i kno i'm weird.

tomorrow, hmm jessica's bday! 19th year on earth, congrats! lol surviving this world is tough. oh and red cross donation! wooohoo! i'm like addicted to giving my blood away. well anywho back to munchkins bday. i still have no clue what we will do. so much to do so little money! cuz i have gots the time! columbus day.. no work no school lots of time for fun.

zoraida--> wow been a while

JESSICA!!!!!

shut your face.. you're silly! hahahhahaha. XD laughter

Fam Bam Marathon

So all this weekend has been filled with family. Just last night i went to my tio blas's house and man did we have fun, of course it was boring untill the actual night when everyone was drunk. And today i have time with my sister making fun of how much of a prince my brother carlos is to my parentals..

i hope to get away from all this tonight. Hopefully.

i'm in much need of going to the movies, which i havent done in a while! grr... take me out

EZ

Compton Status

Although life turns on it's side all the time, i love it
i don't know what to expect and i don't know who i'll run into.

people, you have to love your life! i try..

on another note, i'd like to express my feelings on shit talkers
the ones who talk behind their friends back but don't have the balls to go up to them and tell it to their face.

i have not been talked about, nor have i been talking about others, and especially not my own friends.
on the contrary i am known to be a little bit blunt and TOO honest. i take full responsibility for what i say.

anyways, for those who i am speaking about, grow some fucking balls and do what you have to do.
pussies i swear!

well people, i should get back to work because i don't want to get caught writing a blog! hehe.. <3

p.s.
i'm really excited for tonight, i've never been to those neck of the woods, and nor have i been to that kind of party in my life! i hope i have fun... we shall see flash drive.. make this night wild for me!!!

EZ

It's your beauty I love

The moon...
it shines at night
and it shines just for me
bright lights,the feel of the wind blowing through my hair
clear night sky,perfect setting to be
mesmerized by your beauty
the moonlight reflecting off of your face,
just the way it should

i smile

4CM

EZ

Such a Nut

Graduated extern, over this way...
podiatrist office
and for those who don't know it's a foot and ankle specialist office
yippy

no, but to be honest it's actually quite nice. the job is mainly front office... something i was terrified of, because back office and procedures are my specialty, but it's fairly simple (lots of things to memorize though) . and I've secretly wanted to be a secretary hehe. but lately i've actually started to do some back office and i'm in love! i have to run around clean rooms, put patients in. assist the doctor with procedures.. i book appointments, answer phones, yada yada! i like it! =)

they are looking to hire and I'm learning quick. my co-workers are awesome--> polite

160 hours of free labor. GRR. let's hope i get the hire. lol

well--> let's talk about this fabulous San Diego university weekend. Let's cover first day grounds... shall we? CRAZY! we arrive only to find ourselves tired but soon we become energized by the plans that erupted out of a hat. we had some lunner (lunch/dinner) at a new facility. very good. that is when my names was changed to Yvonne. followed by showers, blow dryers, dresses, heels, makeup, contacts, tears, laughter, soccer vids, and SHOTS. lager bombs and 3 tequila shots. flash drives can only handle one.
club was so much fun. never had such a good time before; plus the stripper pole helped show my ass. wow what a wild and crazy night.

next night i was out f it. woke up
hungry
no food
ants took over my car
apparently Lena's friend parked way to close to the curb and the ants were upset
yes, i still see a few ants to this day, roaming around on my dashboard
DAMN SANDIEGOANS
lol. anyways lunch at old town was "very mexican." so mexican that illegals cooked my food raw. but it was so good i over-ate and the Horror tour was booked. lame

later that night hookah came along and dragged a belly dancer. sexy.
i wanted to go to sleep. hookah burned like hell anyway.
so we went back to the dorm, and went into one of the small rooms
C6, Lena, Flash Drive, and i

"i want the blinds down
' i want to be next to the edge
'on the right side
'no blanket
'lets make a tent
'soothing sounds, put your cell on, soothing sounds

SILENCE

"i'm going to the living room"

lmao

sunday--> by far the best day. we just chilled and marinated on the living room floor/sofa from day to night. great dinner. props to Norma and Jonathan.

weekend over all... above average

i love you Lena, thank you. can't wait to go back. oh and congrats!! thanks to me!

i love the experience, the things we saw, the things we did... but most of all i loved the people! welcoming, funny, nice, and helpful! muchisimas gracias gals, and jonathan! lol

PEANUTS THE BEST... oh and achmed! PHLEMGHCH! lol

=P

EZ

Candlelight, without a candle

So today was my Candlelight Ceremony, also known as my graduation from the academic portion of my schooling. Yes, i finished.but the thing about the candlelight ceremony was it didn't meet any of my expectations. we sat in the smaller room smaller audience, we didn't receive the candles and the slide show me and my fellow classmates have been working on since we began the program.. didn't play.. i was very upset! but oh well.. overall, I am quite happy to be considered an extern now. This past week flew by so quickly; next thing i know I'm in a room with a bunch of my friends and family there to support me! wow. I swear i could just knock out right now from the exhaustion. i was so stressed out. there are still many things that i need to focus on and "worry" about, but.... i won't!

Going to San Diego tomorrow morning with Jessica and Carlos! woohoo! road trip. Stay for the weekend, and then when i return... be overwhelmed by the anxiety and excitement of starting my externship on Monday at the Devonshire medical plaza... wow right next to pizza hut! my oh my. i need white shoes and new scrubs. I HAVE NEITHER, what a bummer!

but i won't worry now! I'll wait until Sunday. i need to relax, celebrate, have fun, and spend some quality time with Lena... cookie-maria-maria Elena- Elena- shawty- chocolate chip- MY BEST FRIEND! aka "sister"... love her dearly

i might have to wake up early tomorrow to pack and to clean, cuz right now cleaning and/or packing will only annoy me because i feel fatigue!

thanks all for this wonderful journey through life!

EZ

Two Heads are Better Than One

i know its early... but you have to watch Jeff Dunham and Peanut on youtube. serious shit! ventriliquist that makes me want to pee my pants everytime i see him. Cynthia introduced this video to me, and ever since i haven't spent a day without watching him.
oh man i should probably go to school i'm already late! hahaha

Float Away

So today i finished my projects. ugh, it took me a while. lol. I just have to be a procrastinator don't I? well indeed i do; i shouldnt be... grr!
i also said hello to a very very old friend. oh well hello there. hehe

im a little sad though i must add. we must all say goodbye to good friends as well! and that sucks. tears role and feelings fluctuate.

i now sit on my sofa-bed and write these random words.

But by the way, my mother is doing much better. She is one strong lady. i did find out that the headache she had could have killed her if we would have waited like an hour more. that freaked the fudge-sickles out of me. well i have to go to sleep now. it is my last week of school, and then i graduate!

Tears of Laughter

Right now i feel like playing some serious Rockband and i think it's because a rockband song is now playing on kroq. I also feel like hiring a maid to clean the room that is 5 minutes away from being finished, but here i am typing my time away. Pointless indeed =)
Lazy? perhaps.but i am tired, since i did have work this morning.

But anyway... this week was pretty outrageous.i had a break-up, a make-up, an indecision,a shit-talking blog, followed by a clear-things-up response,and a song i haven't finished learning on the piano. I've been kissing my dads ass, avoiding my brother, doing mommy errands, reorganizing my room,trying to finish a full page of blood draws, fixing my portfolio for interviews, trying to figure out the topic for my project, and finding myself on someplace in this world.
oh and you know what? The rest of this month should be a doozie as well, with me starting my externship; which i just figured out will be located in Burbank. This place could actually become my new job in a few months. Let's cross our fingers to see how this 160 hour interview goes. I will also be in a serious diet competition to win 600 dollars, so far it's going ok. I've only lost 3 pounds this week. I need to do better, on the real. I have approximately 3 weeks left. to lose 25 pounds! yea, that isn't going to happen; I'll definitely try to get there or close to that! This weekend is Labor day weekend, what am i doing you ask... nada! absolutamente nada! As far as i know anyway. But monday is my best friend cookie's bday! 19. and that is why next weekend i'm taking my ass and hopefully Jessica's and hopefully Carlos' ass over to San Diego, to visit her at her school USD, and party all weekend. while still finding time for her to study for two tests on the following tuesday and a paper. that girl is crazy. the weekend after that is my cousin Karina's bday party... which i'm unambiguously excited for. everytime she turns another year, her parties get even better. no question about that.

I should probably get back to cleaning. XP
--hope you like my letter "for the record"
if u haven't gotten it yet, you shall soon be receiving it!


EZ

it's the first step...take one

Yesterday was a complete mess of things. School went fine, but what happened afterward was something i didn't expect.
I came out early from school, to go to ikea with my mother. I've been wanting that sofa-bed since i saw it (the previous day lol). So i arrive to my house to find my mother still getting ready. come on mother i told you 4 hours ago; literally. but nevertheless i waited, cleaned up my car just a bit. finally she was ready, about 3 minutes later. She took a step into my car, and was immediately irritated by me, my car, my driving,the windows being rolled down, my music, and the fact that she was dizzy and light-headed. Things she always complains about. I changed the station for her, closed the windows, turned my a/c on [geez gas waster], and drove a bit more adequately... all just to suit her standards.
Many complaints later, we arrived to ikea. since i already knew what i was getting we didn't take much time. i went straight for the warehouse. my mom bought my awesome sofa-bed [which by the way is very comfortable]. I told my mom i would be right back, i was going to go get the car and park it in the loading area. of course as it all goes i get the car, park, load, drive.
It was an extremely difficult task to drive with a wall blocking my view to the right. a box was placed right dead center, i couldn't see anything to my right except the dashboard. talk about blind spot.
so i began driving and my mom was trying to help, but she continued to complain, and this time just to get home faster because she had a tremendous headache, and she felt nauseous, light-headed, and down right sick. i tried my hardest to get home fast, while not crashing, keeping the car steady so she wouldn't vomit.

"nooo no nooo no ooh no"... she was panting heavily. all i could do was listen and drive. she then places her hands on the dashboard along with her head.. and starts to tell me to hurry. she looks pale and she speaks very softly with a lot of air. at this moment i am still calm, but of course have picked up the speed in my driving. she says she feels like it's the end. i dunno what to do but drive. she hasn't eaten but she refuses to stop and eat.
the rest of the way home its the same things over and over again. i get home and i stop the car in the middle of the street, run out and unlock the front door. i see her run into the bathroom while i get her a glass of water.
i step out only to park my car correctly, once back inside i see my mom wobbling over to the living room. i sit her down. she's telling me she's going to die, but i won't believe it. still panting heavily she once again stood up and began walking. i had to support her to the other chair.
she asked me to call my dad and like always he had his cell phone off and of course doesn't bother to give us his work number. aggravated and a bit scared i called my sister patty. she answered on the second attempt. asked me what was up. as soon as i went to check on my mom she was now closing her eyes and her head resting on the back of the chair. i went to hold her hand and waited for her to squeeze it.
nothing.
"ma ama, mom mom mom...." no answer.
i took her hand and lifted it, let it go and it just flopped back down on the sofa.
my heart dropped 20 feet into the ground. at this point i lost control. and my sister was screaming at the top of her lungs, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?
finally as i grab her wrist to do the one thing i don't want to do (check her pulse) she says "que" very softly.
the biggest relief of my life.i have to take her to the hospital.. but she refuses and begins to beg and cry not to.. that i don't understand that they will have her in the waiting room for hours. right then and there i had to hang up on my sister and call 911...
"this is 911 whats your emergency"--blah blah blah --- "ok please stay on the line and i will direct your call to the fire department/paramedics "
sure enough i'm explaining everything to a man on the other line, trying to keep calm.
"ok the paramedics are on their way"
mother is vomiting serious yellow by this time, and i'm freaking out. tears running down my face uncontrollably. i rush over to answer my phone (sister patty) my moms phone (brother carlos) and the house phone (sister sandra). i'm trying to explain to all of them at the same time whats going on while i attend to my mom. she lays on her bed.. now very quiet.. sweating, saying she feels cold. tells me i have to be strong... wtf is that all about? i grab her hand one more time... she squeezes and lets go.. again? again?
i shook her just a bit.. the paramedics on their way, patty on her way, and i'm sure on my way to complete insanity and depression, traumatized!!!
once again, silence.
brother asks to speak to her.. i leave the phone on her ear and luckily she responds!
how many times will she go away like that?
patty and paramedics both have arrived.
i step myself into the kitchen. and i ball crouched down leaning up against the bottom of the sink..
"vitals are good, she says she feels much better, i would suggest to take her to her hospital [facey] and have her checked immediately... we would give her the ride but she refuses and would rather take one from you guys.. if that is ok?"
my sister agrees.. at this point i run to see my mom and she is now up and walking, still stumbling. and complaining how not better she feels. why does she lie to the paramedics. i will never know.
we get her into the car and as soon as we move from our house to the next she is opening the door to vomit.. a few more houses down..vomit. corner of street.. vomit.
sister is racing to her hospital
and i'm throwing out the directions as we go..
up lassen
right sepulveda,
get into the left lane
no no no more left, far left lane
stay here.
your gonna pass the hamer toyota
it'll be on you left side.
right here patty.. no no no not there here
take her inside i'll park your car.

they go in, i park, cry some more, go in, they're gone, i step outside, make a few calls, go in, ask for them, find them
my mother had severe/chronic stress headache. the gave her two intramuscular injection both strong medicine and of high dosage. she seems stable. as she lays she has no nausea but indeed her head is pounding.
doctor prescribes no food, many liquids, rest, and a counselor.
we are ready to go back home.. if anything persists as before E.R. right away
we lift her from her bed to a wheelchair. she vomits, just as she did 3 times when they brought her in.

we are home.. i drove. i drop them off, and find myself going to walgreens for some tylenol, water, and gatorade.
i drop off the stuff and go pick up my nephew.. seeing him made me smile for the first time since ikea. he made me feel a bit stronger. we go in... and i lay down on the living room sofa... and sleep. only to be awoken by my brother asking me to clean the house.

day goes on...

Explosion

I have fallen short, on the attempt to keep my life bottled into control. i burst out quietly- watching what i have fought so hard to keep stable- crumble slowly in front of my eyes. rebuilding takes too much effort, but failing is not an option of mine. Been there done that.
a definite obsession with wanting to run away rather than deal.
for a while i was benign
soon turning malignant

glad to say i'm rid of the vicious infection

EZ

Trashed Skills

i drove, to a destination unknown
minimal gas to be wasted
and yet i continued...

pondering, driving, breathing
still,
i am alive
shocking to me.. strong as i may seem
i am fragile

this show i front
it can be broken... for you to see what is shadowless and raw

i kept driving ... stared straight ahead
muscle memory.. red- stop, green- go
for i no longer had my mind on earth
mars was yet too close- perhaps i, an addition to Pluto?
[no longer a planet, but a star; gas filled]

I'd like to believe it is a shooting star,for i to make a wish

i stopped driving, glanced around me
figured others took some moments of their time
to ponder such things as well

only to find
this is life...

EZ

Drawing Black P.

Oh, talk all the shit you want.
come say it to my face.
You won"t.

go draw yourself a pretty picture
make it a portrait of yourself
oh wait that's impossible
you + pretty = WTF/never

you talk about me because you're jealous
don't think i don't know

you act one way: sweet, polite, understanding, nice, thoughtful,
happy?
but really you're nothing like that

every night when you aren't with her, i bet you wanna kill yourself
because she is the only person, besides a few others, that makes you feel worth it
fam bam treat you well? NO!
you are the ugly duckling, isn't that sad?

Perhaps a puff 'n' pass will help you
maybe a sniff or two
how about a a couple of pills
a needle?

here take a drink... forget about your problems
hah yeah right!
i guess life IS to good to be true
the stars will never shine bright enough for you

keep talking your shit
i have my own to share

there are sidewalks, take a walk
go find yourself in the same position you were in,
even before you opened your dirty ass mouth

continue blabbing how I'M bad
when you're the same

let us search your vagina online, shall we?
i'll be sure to find you bending over at a party
-that vagina so loose, a fist can only please-

Alemany got you alll fucked up
naughty school girl indeed

Hey, why you so obsessed with me?

she will never catch fire in your eyes
she doesn't miss you

P.S. I love you
...
Lmao
...
sorry i made a funny

your future does not consist of her.
plus: saggy ass titties, jiggly belly, junkless ass, cramping unpleasing hands, and an endless chatter of your goddamn problems, will definitely not keep her in your grasp
not to mention your close mindedness. understanding? MY ASS

call me evil... but what goes around comes back around

and that's what you get
that's what you deserve
you piece of shit

go suck a dick... it's what your good for
i would suggest the dick of the guy who asked you to prom
who also fucked you over
both literally and emotionally
ohh cry me a river justin

500 days of summer is over for you

hope you suffer bitch

with love

EZ

flashback dance...

As my first entry, i do believe i am not about to write too much.

At the moment i am in canyon country with a baby who seems to love making my time here miserable, by crying. but i suppose it is alright since i have my cousins: Alexis and Julia here to support my every move! =)
seems like a flashback to good times! i love them and it's been an extremely long time since i got a chance to spend some fam bam time with them -alone-. of course i mean without the parental units.

i do expect to watch some twilight followed by either a ride home or a long sleepover.

love what we do

we search for something to do while the child is sleeping and the day is young... we find nothing but an endless list of movies, we cannot seem to start, a funny memory only two of us can recall, and an amazing game named peggle... if only we could all play at once!

btw to add on something completely out of the subject
i came across an interesting thing on my phone!
my cell phone can read out any short text i receive.
i began laughing when my text read "lol" but the voice said "laugh out loudly"
it comes with my enV3... jealous? enVy me? hmm?

i must now rejoin my cousins and an adorable baby boy =]

i suppose i'll write again some other day!



EZ

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