Run with Me

Sitting in this empty cubicle, thinking about how wonderous everything is right now. It has been a minute. [but really months]

I'm a little overwhelmed by all of the things that have happened. I'm a little more ready than I have ever been. So again I say, I sit here in this empty cubicle, thinking about how wonderous everything is right now.

I'm now working as a temp for Blue Shield of California [65+ dept] enjoying what i do, or should i say DONT do. Everyone here is very polite and i'm comfortable. What happened to IPC? I was discharged. Spent months without a job, without a life. I thank Jessica everyday for using all her strength and effort to hold me up and not let me fall. She really took it upon herself to take care of me, regardless of what i did... AGAIN. Well what WE did this time. It wasn't just me this time around, on the contrary more her... but i never retracted what i said. I actually just continued with it. Not sure where I was again. I lose myself quite a bit I have noticed. But she stuck by me yet again and pushed me through. We are planning to move out really soon...

Actually... sooner than ever.

Never thought that this day would come. Thought I would never get to this point but it is almost here. And I know, I know... I have said it multiple times before, but I believe this time, it is for real. Not just a perhaps, a for sure. And I think i'm only saying this because the date has gotten closer. Yes 2-3 months. We are already saving, planning, buying, and looking. I'm more than delighted.

News about Sasha [nickname], can you say Divorce? Well start saying it. Name change and all. Things didn't seem to work out for the couple. Sad to see it crumble... but I suppose it's hard to continue when you aren't happy.. and trust sort of floats out the window without being seen.
Two nights ago I drove over to San Diego [where they received a new home] to pick up half of her things. She jammed packed them into my clown car [chevy aveo] and i sped away... not looking back but looking forward. I'm moving into my old room, the office, Chavita's room. I won't have my own space anymore, I won't have my privacy, I won't be able to lock doors, I won't be able to do much. I still haven't put any of my belongings in that room, and already... nothing fits. It is jammed packed in there with all of Chita's stuff. My mother and I went to Ikea and bought a closet... so that i can use. It looks pretty awesome... but its still really small compared to what I used to have. I definitely need this move.

Since reading this whole blog today, I suppose I can update you on my ex feelings, per say. Yeah... No... I dont mourn over any of it. I don't think of her as often as I used to, actually... almost not at all. I do speak with her once in a blue moon.. want specifics? Like once every two months or so. Just to see how things are going. I'm just so in love with Jessica that it isn't even something I have time to think about. She was a cool friend still is, but I dont try to make it a habit to speak with her. I have a good group of friends/family I can rely on, although sometimes its nice to have a chat with someone who probably knows alot more than others.
On this subject, Cookie and I are doing better than ever. I mean I don't talk with her often, but I will tell you this... It isn't awkward anymore. And that was the goal. My birthday is coming and my sisters are planning something for Carlos and I. I hope to get closer to all of them considering i'm finally going to be 21!! Speaking of birthdays..

Yesterday was Jessica's birthday. I wish we would have done something more than what we did... but it's okay ;D
Ooh she got a tv and I fell to the floor! hahaha.. well we both did, it was like a gift for both of us... seriously. God I love that girl!!

Well, this was a wonderful update... I hope you enjoyed... whoever you are.

-Amber

Sunday all over again

Another day, another moment. another argument. Never wanted to displease anyone. But i seem to do it ever so often. Please spare me your pity. Sundays always seem to turn out like a complete disaster. I over think, and I overwhelm myself. I pretty much throw a dose of reality in my own face, and dwell on how pathetic I can be sometimes. Stress is such a killer. Depression, oh gee that one is definitely a physical pain. Goals I have set for myself never get completed and it just sucks. I don't quite understand why I just can't accomplish what i set. Just like I used to.

I don't even feel like writing.

ARRGGG

Sky's the limit.

Today, definitely see things improving! It is really coming along better than I had anticipated. =) This week was horrible; I hadn’t felt so bad in quite a while. I’m currently at work on hold with an insurance (which is taking forever; thus the blog). Work is still a bore, lame, and stressful, but I have got to just step right over that. I suppose squaring away my relationship and having that little bit of time of space made a big difference. And then going to dance, which was amazingly fun and exactly what I wanted… ugh I’m like in heaven.

Things are looking up and I’m very glad.

I get to see my best friend today, I know I said I didn’t want her to be but she just knows so much and just enough and always gives the right advice and always makes me laugh and turns my day around even if I was mad at her 2 seconds ago. Only person I can’t hold a grudge against. (ok somewhat but not as much as others). Anyhow she said I was going to pick her up from the train station and we were going to go eat dinner and then she was going to sleep over. Fun fun… let us hope she won’t bail on me. That would suck. That is that last thing I need, seriously. >=/

Lol but I’m highly doubtful, although she still has not texted me, considering she is coming today. but then again it is still somewhat early [9:52am]

Yes I’m still on hold by the way [22:27m/s] this is the daily work. Dumb denials!!

As far as the other count down I really wasn’t counting, I feel better about it. It really isn’t a struggle to me anymore. More time away has really relieved me of memories and feelings. I fill my head with her negative and remember why I’m so happy without her sometimes.

So I got my teeth checked out yesterday by my aunt, success I feel better. Although my mouth is sort of sensitive right now. Ouch. But it will get better and I will have an amazing smile! =)

Ahh… gotta go! =)

Ambeezy (ya’ll heard)

Space

Well at least we can both breathe now. I suppose...

It is definitely a different feeling not having someone to call when you are walking to your car, or driving home, or while your'e watching tv, or while you're laying down doing nothing. while cleaning, or writing a blog. Of course I miss her... but i suppose this is good for us. I'm glad we didn't end it and get all drastic, because this alone is already sort of killing me. I'm trying really hard not to pick up that phone. dial her number or send her a text. But i can't stop myself from thinking about her. how i want her to hold me and come at night (like she has everynight this week) hold me tight while i fall asleep. watch dexter and argue about how quinn is sooo not hot!! lol (which i dont think he is)

Sometimes it's a nice feeling to be alone... but i have just been so used to her voice soothing me at all hours of the day. the feel of her warm body during the night.

You know whats funny, it has only been a few hours since we haven't spoken... and look at me.
'HA HA' (inside joke)

The writing on my mirror only reminds of her mirror and the writing we both have there.

.....

well anywho, today I have dance, see one of my friends per say, invited me to join her and a couple of other people i somewhat know, to go dance in granada hills. its called danceaholics, i'm really nervous to go. i dont dance very well in my opinion, especially since ihavent really danced in a long time. but it is for fun, and also to relieve me of some stress. i wonder how it will go. I'm literally counting down the minutes until i go. Its the first time i'm going here so i think i should leave a little early to find the place.... good idea right. i mean not that its far or what not but what about parking. ok ok you caught me i'm just finding any excuse to leave early. lol

YUP, she's still in my head. oh man my mind is going from thought to thought, and i can't keep up. going from the time we first kissed (which was amazingly movie like) to the time i broke her heart, once, twice, thrice.... really makes me feel assholeish. i never stop thinking about those times. i dont forget. i do regret. guilt? its there. I try really hard not to show it, to move on. but i can't. i did actually move on from the rage of rage... and anything else she could have possibly said done thought. but i can't forget what i've done. less her. but i try to help her move on from it and let me duel on my mistakes.

this is crazy i don't ever have time to just write whats in my head. i always seem to just write when i'm upset, sad, displeased, angry, tormented, and any other darn synonym you would like to add on. i dont really get a chance to express my everyday life. i summarize the good stuff and i detail all the stuff that really ticks me off (pisses me off lol another insider)

i wish i could move out, i wish i could have my own place, i wish i could feel other than whatever it is i'm feeling now. its like i'm numb, like...sort of in peace but not really cuz now and then i feel homicidal. i guess this constant feeling is like having something on your chest, it isn't heavy but its heavy enough to where it leaves you breathless and everytime you take a deep breath feels like heaven. like you just need to breathe. i dont really wanna do anything, but then again i wanna do it all. the feeling is definitely annoying. i've cried so much already, to the point where i'm drained. tired. but all this thinking has also got me wired on anger and making impulsive decisions.

This is all too much for me and i suppose space is good. Even though it truly is killing me!!

Another day...

It’s not easy to feel like everything was perfectly fine with someone and then realize it isn’t.

To receive a message of unhappiness. That’s what it was to me. I always know when something just isn’t right. When something isn’t flowing the way it should. When attitude changes the whole day.

I’m not saying I’m going to die. I’m not saying it’s the end of my life. And I’ not saying that I don’t love you.

What I’m saying is what I’m going through is hard but I’m happy where I am. I realize I don’t really write about the good stuff. I notice I concentrate on the negative aspects of things and I am sorry. I should probably write how much better you are then her. How I wish she never existed because if that was the case I wouldn’t have to feel so horrible about loving someone who doesn’t deserve it. Someone who I don’t even know anymore. I think it’s just the comfort of knowing. Just “knowing.” But its fading. Memories are becoming a thing of a book I once read and fell in love with. It no longer is connecting with my emotions as much.

I really am happy being with you and I don’t understand how you don’t get that. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t feel this way. I wouldn’t go out of my way to make you happy. And to help me move on.

Everyday more stuff comes up, and I know its not just me but everyone in the world has that happening to them. But I don’t want to hear that everything is perfectly fine and the next minute you are insecure to something that doesn’t even exist. I don’t know if you read this blog or not but most of It is spur of the moment.

Yes it has been hard saying goodbye. It’s a friend, and an ex. Somebody that close who knows so much is bound to be hurtful to say goodbye too. It was a whole lot easier for you to say goodbye to somebody because they were really an asshole and really annoying. This person wasn’t that to me. And stuff does pop into my head sometimes and I want to do things but that’s just because its my thoughts. Not my actions. I think about a lot of things I shouldn’t do. Whether it runs from jumping off a cliff to making out with someone. Whether fun or tragic it happens. But I know better I think a lot of things aren’t worth it because it doesn’t mean forever.

See that’s the difference, to me you are forever. I feel a connection with you I can’t feel with anyone else. That includes you know who. Its all different. Nothing is ever the same. I’m trying to feel comfort and I luckily am. Its not always going to be the same kind of comfort I feel with other ppl, whether it be and ex, my mom, a sister. Or even a Best friend. No one compares to each other.

I just don’t know what to say right now. But I don’t want to hear the BS. I don’t want to listen to the constant annoying statement… I’m insecure. WHY. I have told you many times you are only pushing yourself away from me. you’re doing this to yourself. Everytime I hear that I feel like there isn’t trust. But then when I ask that question there is no doubt in your mind there is 99.99% trust. I thought you were happy. Feeling insecure is not happy, nor is it an excitement that keeps you on your feet. Sure it keeps you on your feet but for pain, which I don’t see happening.

I just can’t believe I thought it was put behind us. I’m not in this for the rollercoaster of emotion. I’m here for Love, Trust, Honesty, and Communication.

I understand you are being honest by communicating to me that you love me but what about the trust. I haven’t done anything in over a year to have you feel in such a way. Maybe it takes longer. But I can’t wait through constant unhappiness. From the sound of every note of “feelings” I receive from you. It sounds to me as if this isn’t what you signed up for and you want out. I don’t, so if that’s what you want let me know. I know you want me in the future but can you handle me Now??

I dunno you tell me!

oops i did it again

I got lost in starring at pictures like a stalker. oh man i'm a low pro stalker!!!!!!

Anywho my love love love is coming. or so she says. well she said she was aobut like 20-30 minutes ago she would eat something and then be on her way. my tvduck didnt let me watch anymore of my dexter and honestly its bumbing me out. i really should be cleaning though. yet i am not. lol what a waste of time. i love typing though. can't blame me.

i dont remember when anything was easy... but i miss the easy times... just 2006. lol

2 decades

I'm telling you this right now. i'm surviving.

its really hard still. to this day

20 days have passed. and it really feels like years. i still pass by m st. and want to stop by and see you. ambush you with hugs and kisses (xoxo)

but i stop myself... i'm happy.
it is getting better. the memory of you slowly fades. very slowly i wish it was gone.

=/ its not and that sucks

I can't stand the thought of you actually, it annoys me. it fills me with hatred. I wish you never existed. I wish i didn't know of that love at all.

Most of what i had is now gone. And i dont feel like there are any empty spaces. except one. i hope to fill it soon.

.....

Well onto current news.

my family is in a deficit of about 1000-2000 dollars. its really frightening to think my parents will lose the house. they said if that happens they will move somewhere, my sister has enough money to get her place which leaves me to be on the street. ha..

i am trying to help out the situation because there has been some shady shit going on. indeed. the person who is in charge of the money is overspending the money and using the savings too. its pretty out of control. i have currently became the house accountant/finance person. its really stressful. i am also my mothers (free) assistant. i do all the bitch work. it's really lame. i can't believe i could be the cause of a divorce too... apparently. and its not to say that i'm making this up because the person stating they might actually get a divorce blames it on me. BITCH. and i'm sorry to be using that word for this person but they deserve it right about now. and if i can't say it in front of anyone else... blogspot you the secret holder. KEEP IT SECRET...

i really hope shit gets better. right now i dont think its going to be okay.
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