I don't really know what to say except i'm hurt and i wish we would have never made the plan to start again. Would have made this much easier. I really gave it something special i had in me. HOPE. REAL LOVE. ALL OF ME.
Nobody deserves my tears.. the only thing that does is physical pain and death... other than that you deserve nothing.
My posts were becoming something i haven't been in a while. happy. what now? You know what they are gonna stay that way. i'm sick of crying for people i'm sick of thinking bout the worst. and i do understand but it still hurts. and i make no sense right now. but to be honest i'm just ranting because i need to. because this will help me avoid the things i don't want to do.
I'll be fine without you... and to be honest i don't WANT to be fine without you... But i will be. it'll all be ok. I can make it great but with alot of effort.
I don't want anymore tears.
EZ-less
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Throw your hands up and SHOUT
The one thing i want to do right now is yell and scream and kick and punch and ugh!
I'm itching for an escape. One of those horrible moments, where nothing you do can help you out, but you wanna try it all anyhow. Maybe if i dream for a bit i can forget, but i don't want to forget; I don't ever want to forget. Perhaps that, right there, is my problem... I resist to let go. Stubborn indeed. The insecurity, the obsessive investigations, the interrogations, the.. well everything.
Oh gee what am i talking about now? To be honest i don't really know. I have not the slightest clue, but what i do know is i have rage building up inside of me and i had to write and allow myself to express before i find myself in an inevitable situation. (We must not elaborate)
I shall now digress onto another subject; as always.
Monday, about a day and 5 hours with 30 minutes left until i am admitted into a dentist's office. I am in complete excitement... XD
I'm in a boomerang state... i disappear into happiness for a brief moment but yet again return into rage and anger and all of the madness that erupts.
EZ-rang
I'm itching for an escape. One of those horrible moments, where nothing you do can help you out, but you wanna try it all anyhow. Maybe if i dream for a bit i can forget, but i don't want to forget; I don't ever want to forget. Perhaps that, right there, is my problem... I resist to let go. Stubborn indeed. The insecurity, the obsessive investigations, the interrogations, the.. well everything.
Oh gee what am i talking about now? To be honest i don't really know. I have not the slightest clue, but what i do know is i have rage building up inside of me and i had to write and allow myself to express before i find myself in an inevitable situation. (We must not elaborate)
I shall now digress onto another subject; as always.
Monday, about a day and 5 hours with 30 minutes left until i am admitted into a dentist's office. I am in complete excitement... XD
I'm in a boomerang state... i disappear into happiness for a brief moment but yet again return into rage and anger and all of the madness that erupts.
EZ-rang
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wide open spaces
To frolic or not to frolic.. in the meadow. Peace. Serenity. Laughter.
And lots and lots of singing. Oh tonight should be good.
Well i made an appointment with the doctor to get my wisdom teeth surgically removed This upcoming Monday.. aahhh! For some reason, i'm excited. I don't think i should be cause i'll have pain and i'll have blood and i'll be starving and i'll probably be pms'ing.. oh bare with me world. Starting 2010 i'm going to start being a grown up, with all my bills and such. Horrible. But like i said i'm happy i don't have to ask for money.
On another random note: next year
-San Fransisco (x2)
-Long Beach Pride
-Big Bear?
-Mexico
-Theme Parks (x10)
- Rochester, New York?
Hopefully i have no problems being able to go to any of those. (look at my hair it's all burnt up) XD (giirrl we all pregnant this week)
Turn up the Volume will become Famous--than again it is in my head! <3
EZ-adult
And lots and lots of singing. Oh tonight should be good.
Well i made an appointment with the doctor to get my wisdom teeth surgically removed This upcoming Monday.. aahhh! For some reason, i'm excited. I don't think i should be cause i'll have pain and i'll have blood and i'll be starving and i'll probably be pms'ing.. oh bare with me world. Starting 2010 i'm going to start being a grown up, with all my bills and such. Horrible. But like i said i'm happy i don't have to ask for money.
On another random note: next year
-San Fransisco (x2)
-Long Beach Pride
-Big Bear?
-Mexico
-Theme Parks (x10)
- Rochester, New York?
Hopefully i have no problems being able to go to any of those. (look at my hair it's all burnt up) XD (giirrl we all pregnant this week)
Turn up the Volume will become Famous--than again it is in my head! <3
EZ-adult
Monday, December 14, 2009
A rush of simple
A digital clock does not tick; but it seems to be doing just that --> to me
My head is racing as a lost individual's would, but i feel happy. My life seems indifferent, but all has changed. My emotions fluctuate, as a decision stays unchanged.
By far i am the most confused; and by far i am the most happy.
Trying to analyze this is only a waste of time because i'm already in a good place.
EZ- ness
My head is racing as a lost individual's would, but i feel happy. My life seems indifferent, but all has changed. My emotions fluctuate, as a decision stays unchanged.
By far i am the most confused; and by far i am the most happy.
Trying to analyze this is only a waste of time because i'm already in a good place.
EZ- ness
Friday, December 11, 2009
Surreal
I just arrived to my house, spent an afternoon visiting Monroe. Which consisted of old friends and the last of them... because they are all now seniors (I feel sort of old). I also spent a few hours with Brett and Laura, what a doozy they are <3. They cooked amazingly, I am quite stuffed and have encountered a headache and a bit of nausea, probably from over eating and the oil ughh.
Well any who i arrive to my house and there is no parental cars. I sure thought i would be coming home to a house containing only a sister, excitement! nope, not as i thought. Dad is drunk; which explains the missing truck. Mom is at her office, and sister is in her room. I think the last time i saw her was like last week- how sad. I don't want to be angry, i don't feel the need to be right about now. I don't want to go out, i don't want to do much but write read and talk. No crazy outings tonight, but tomorrow.. woo i think I'm ready.
What am i ready for? seeing friends i haven't seen since the last time i saw them, duh. and having a heart to heart, with someone i haven't been so nice to, but didn't think they deserved it. I have so much to say so much to fix so much to lay out on the table and pick and choose at. I don't want to use fancy words as i speak, I don't want to be corrected or interrupted, and I'm not looking for friendship, but for peace. Perhaps once again an acquaintance. Not for her, not for me, but for the third person involved without wanting to be, the person who is stuck in the middle, the person who understands and is tired of being little miss messenger. which i totally understand. I'm ready.
I'm happy
I'm chill
I'm excited
I'm satisfied
I'm ignoring the worst that's happening and taking in all the good
...and far beyond me is where i am
it is surreal
EZ-mystical
Well any who i arrive to my house and there is no parental cars. I sure thought i would be coming home to a house containing only a sister, excitement! nope, not as i thought. Dad is drunk; which explains the missing truck. Mom is at her office, and sister is in her room. I think the last time i saw her was like last week- how sad. I don't want to be angry, i don't feel the need to be right about now. I don't want to go out, i don't want to do much but write read and talk. No crazy outings tonight, but tomorrow.. woo i think I'm ready.
What am i ready for? seeing friends i haven't seen since the last time i saw them, duh. and having a heart to heart, with someone i haven't been so nice to, but didn't think they deserved it. I have so much to say so much to fix so much to lay out on the table and pick and choose at. I don't want to use fancy words as i speak, I don't want to be corrected or interrupted, and I'm not looking for friendship, but for peace. Perhaps once again an acquaintance. Not for her, not for me, but for the third person involved without wanting to be, the person who is stuck in the middle, the person who understands and is tired of being little miss messenger. which i totally understand. I'm ready.
I'm happy
I'm chill
I'm excited
I'm satisfied
I'm ignoring the worst that's happening and taking in all the good
...and far beyond me is where i am
it is surreal
EZ-mystical
Color me Amber
Made a Tumblr- i like
Started reading Eclipse- in love, although everyone killed the Saga for me already
Received my first 2 paychecks- i should start saving i make about 800 a month lame
Cleaned my room- looks so dandy
Learned Speechless on piano- well partially, oh gosh i'm obsessed with Lady Gaga
6 Monthaversary- was chill
Well i've probably done a million zillion more things but i don't think i find them quite as dire as these. I find myself writing a blog since i haven't in a while and i feel the need to express a few things. Once again i must say i miss my sister so much, especially during the holiday seasons. I never really enjoyed them much, but now that i think back it isn't anything without my sister here. As i mentioned above i have learned Speechless by lady gaga on the piano, Gosh i do admire that love of mine. papa papa razzi lol..
One more thing, i can't seem to find the 100% trust i once had upon that one person, seems i'll always find a lie i can fish out. I haven't yet but yet i still feel entitled to continue to search for the flaw that is there NO longer. Stubborn, Hard headed, Hurt and traumatized i could say. Perhaps those are words more suitable to what i feel.
Well i no longer feel a burden over me from the incident that friday the 13th, i feel good.
till the clock turns me once again
EZ- bunny
Started reading Eclipse- in love, although everyone killed the Saga for me already
Received my first 2 paychecks- i should start saving i make about 800 a month lame
Cleaned my room- looks so dandy
Learned Speechless on piano- well partially, oh gosh i'm obsessed with Lady Gaga
6 Monthaversary- was chill
Well i've probably done a million zillion more things but i don't think i find them quite as dire as these. I find myself writing a blog since i haven't in a while and i feel the need to express a few things. Once again i must say i miss my sister so much, especially during the holiday seasons. I never really enjoyed them much, but now that i think back it isn't anything without my sister here. As i mentioned above i have learned Speechless by lady gaga on the piano, Gosh i do admire that love of mine. papa papa razzi lol..
One more thing, i can't seem to find the 100% trust i once had upon that one person, seems i'll always find a lie i can fish out. I haven't yet but yet i still feel entitled to continue to search for the flaw that is there NO longer. Stubborn, Hard headed, Hurt and traumatized i could say. Perhaps those are words more suitable to what i feel.
Well i no longer feel a burden over me from the incident that friday the 13th, i feel good.
till the clock turns me once again
EZ- bunny
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
