Defenseless

I feel scared, weak, angry and just plain defenseless.
Ever since the incident i feel like i can't do anything to help myself. Like as if the situation would happen again and i wouldn't know what to do yet again, and then have it play back in my head in different scenarios. i could have done this, i could have done that. but you know what i did? nothing. ABSURD

I had a meltdown today... because i am now scared.. because i no longer feel tough... because everything I thought i could do before is all shot to hell now. I'm glad it happened and i'm Very glad i got out alive and well and untouched and all, but i lost my power, i lost my strength, i lost my ability to live without fear. i cannot go walk anywhere and feel safe. Especially in this recession, and knowing not only was i the only one attacked in L.A., but somebody else right here a block away, and at gunpoint. way worse than almost getting shanked with an extend-able box cutter.

I'm angry at him.. I'm so mad that i can't be me. Because of one day i now live in fear. just the other day i stopped by a weapon store to learn more about things and apparently i'm now going to get pepper spray, and not just any pepper spray but the best kind. along with a pocket knife. i used to carry one with me all the time until "somebody" broke it and i was unable to use it. but yea i'm gonna get everything to protect myself. i hope to feel better. i think i'm gonna work out too to gain my old strength back.. we'll see how i feel. but for now know i'm traumatized MAJORLY

ugh i hate him...


EZ- fear

Too Much for Me

<3 first of all i'd like to start off by saying i miss my sister sandra immensely

mmk so...
I went through a lot this weekend.
-adventure
-arguments
-makeups
-drama
- "t" parties
-liquor stores
-near death experience
-west east west REMEMBER IT

I have been so thankful to be alive this week, it's incredible.
i think i really needed to go through something that intense for me to realize many things. And in a way i'm happy it happened to me. and i'm Extremely happy to have gotten out alive and well and untouched!

well as we all know i've been trying to lose weight, and i'll let you know i lost 3 more pounds last week. i'm hoping for another few pounds this weekend. oh and if you have any pictures of me when i was fat.. please don't hesitate to send them over via email text whatever. mail! i don't care i need some! because i can't seem to find any. hmm...

meltdowns and inspirational talks... i just started workin real hard as of yesterday and i am not going to stop. OH NO i've become my mother. herbalife herbalife herbalife lol


EZ- be goin crazy

An X-ray Film

I've seen the truth in people before and haven't been this amazed.
What she did cannot be explained lightly.
What she chose was a road down the wrong path.
Two lovers tangled in their own webs, webs made vibrant by the help of others.
She chose to abandon the ship, of level headed personnel, and completely took advantage of a very polite and understanding person.
A choice no other would have done in a position of that kind.

I am still.. in amazement.

She disgusts me and i want nothing to do with her at this point.


EZ- anger

Do you have an appointment?

I've been working here for about 2 weeks now.. nice. i cannot wait untill payday and the ability to pay off my debts, AMAZING! lol i miss being able to be in control of my own financial status. i hate the asking i hate the begging. It'll all soon be over.

Just realized this is the worst time to be getting paid though. debts/thanksgiving/birthdays/anniversaries/ christmas... oh HELL no no no no.. no! lol i'll make it work somehow.

so this week has been filled with facebook, booking appointments, cancelling appointments, movies, food, boredom, projects and hot cheetoh fart smell! yes i'm talking about my job. Apparently the doctor took some days off from work and is not in the office, yet we receptionists and nurses are. So much fun and so many laughs. But we are still getting much done.. goodness gracious! i think my desk is about to break by the way haha..but yea just to let you kno:

i'm gonna be quite busy for the end of this year.. if u have any ideas of hanging out with me let me know ahead of time... i need to literally check my planner. busy busy busy


EZ-living

Tiresome

Just got back from my cousin Karina's house! interesting.

well the convo we had was amazing, i understand where i stand now, and all she said was "mmhmm, oh ok, ya, i understand, makes sense, lol, well duh" and i was in complete bliss knowing that i knew exactly what I FELT.. well i know i'm suppose to know but wow! she just let me ramble.. and i think it worked! thats all i needed someone to understand and let me finish to get the full picture. COOKIE we needs to talk asap...

The kickback yesterday.. chill!
today's party still a big mystery!

Dentist? ok the dentist was some intense stuff! apparently i need $4,000.00 worth of work! i had 5 people look at my teeth. GREAT. lol
well:
i have cavities on almost all my teeth
i have an extra tooth somewhere in my mouth (not out yet)
they need to remove my wisdom teeth
i need braces, top and bottom
the bottom for crooked teeth
the top for narrow alignment.. reason why i get allergies, have trouble
breathing,have a lisp, and snore!
didn't know the shape of my teeth caused that.. wow!
and apparently i'm running out of space for teeth in my mouth. lol
i'm still shocked with the cavities! she said they are fairly new but developing quick and only visible in the x-rays because from the outside she said they look fine except for one!
kill me

debts:
car-14,000+interest
phone-400 past due + 70 monthly
gas-50 monthly
school-14,000
dentist- 4000 w/insurance coverage
work- 1000+... monthly

wow at $9hr HELL NO, nvr gonna go down!

now accepting donations =) lol

well as you probably guessed i am now working for my externship site! just started monday... but payday ain't for 3 weeks. just cuz i started on a bad date grrr.. .>=/ lol
it's pretty chill working there although i need alot more money and many many more hours.. i need to learn much more to be considered good enough to switch off some days with co-workers! i'm on a mission.. ='~'=

in two weeks i plan to be weighing 10 pounds lighter and in 1 month 25-30 pounds lighter! my goal! my job.. =) and to get on stage and give my testimony... so down

i think thats it for right now... i need theater time
oh oh which reminds me

NOVEMBER 20TH... NEW MOON! excitement!
too bad saw was a ruined deal.. nvr gonna watch that in the movie theaters, doesn't that suck? well maybe i won't watch the dvd either! we shall see.

College graduation in january, not sure of the date quite yet but i'll let you know


EZ (cpr certified)