Defenseless

I feel scared, weak, angry and just plain defenseless.
Ever since the incident i feel like i can't do anything to help myself. Like as if the situation would happen again and i wouldn't know what to do yet again, and then have it play back in my head in different scenarios. i could have done this, i could have done that. but you know what i did? nothing. ABSURD

I had a meltdown today... because i am now scared.. because i no longer feel tough... because everything I thought i could do before is all shot to hell now. I'm glad it happened and i'm Very glad i got out alive and well and untouched and all, but i lost my power, i lost my strength, i lost my ability to live without fear. i cannot go walk anywhere and feel safe. Especially in this recession, and knowing not only was i the only one attacked in L.A., but somebody else right here a block away, and at gunpoint. way worse than almost getting shanked with an extend-able box cutter.

I'm angry at him.. I'm so mad that i can't be me. Because of one day i now live in fear. just the other day i stopped by a weapon store to learn more about things and apparently i'm now going to get pepper spray, and not just any pepper spray but the best kind. along with a pocket knife. i used to carry one with me all the time until "somebody" broke it and i was unable to use it. but yea i'm gonna get everything to protect myself. i hope to feel better. i think i'm gonna work out too to gain my old strength back.. we'll see how i feel. but for now know i'm traumatized MAJORLY

ugh i hate him...


EZ- fear