Almost Cynical of Me

I have been deprived of freedom many times in my life and I have hated it. Luckily my life can start on a new note, it's called freedom. yes people, life will begin at a new scent, rate, another picture, view, everything. I am moving out. (6-13 months in counting)

Well right now i'm just sitting in my room on my couch, debating on what to write. First of all [i have to say it] it has been a while since i have written here. I had been wanting to for so long, but it just wasn't working out for me (the website, that is). I was in isolation from blogspot, but i did have tumblr as my savior, but then again it never really is the same. I miss this... expressing myself. I don't do such a great job though, but then again there never really is a wrong way. teehee, now off into an adventure of my feelings shall we? okay.

I'm in love, whatever that means. As far as I know, i am... and that makes me happy because i'm happy. I don't feel as i need anything, or anybody else to do so. I love myself as well, and that is the hardest love to find. I am in love with myself and i'm in love with her... an immense feeling i tell you. yeah, i still think about others from time to time, it is very difficult to forget or even to stop loving and especially to stop caring. but i know who i want to be with... and i'm not tired of her, not one bit. It amazes me sometimes, how this one person can be absolutely perfect (in my eyes).

I'm mixed on what i feel at this moment. I don't know what I want to do. I'm bored and overwhelmed and tired and stressed and anxious. I feel like i could be doing so much more right now, but i'm giving it my all i swear i am. There isn't much more i can give... but there is so much i can do. I make my goals, and i rarely reach them... that is probably why i feel like i'm not achieving anything. I don't listen to myself and that is a shame. If i can't help myself, who can. I don't want to be dependent on others to help me. I always want to be a self determined person, taking that extra step, yet... i'm always so darn average. i always have been just average. oh she is cute. oh she's a good dancer. oh she sings ok. oh she's at the bare minimum line. I really need to step up every game that i know. Go beyond what i'm comfortable, or else i will never achieve what i want, and what i know i can achieve.

oh man just look at me talking about goals and achievements. ay ok i will stop. lol

well IPC:The Hospitalist Company, is so far treating me well. Great pay, Great hours, Great people, Great benefits, A great learning opportunity. This venture was probably the best i could have chosen. Glad to say I have a stable job, where i think i can stay for a long while and move up within the company, and maybe one day use my knowledge to become a lead or supervisor, or even in a new company.

I'm about to go crazy right now, talk to me.

EZ